


Clean

by natashalieromanov



Series: Lesbian Natasha Romanov [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Natasha Romanov, Lesbophobia, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 18:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14754077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashalieromanov/pseuds/natashalieromanov
Summary: She's been unmade and remade so many times that she doesn't know which parts of her are real and which ones are fabricated.Except for this.This has always been a part of her.





	Clean

Natasha is twenty-five, and Clint is unconscious.

It’s not that she doesn’t trust Clint, because she does. It hasn’t been easy, letting her guard down, and she knows that he feels the same. If she believed in God, she’d consider it a miracle that either of them could find it in themselves to trust anyone. She and Clint somehow understand each other, and perhaps her better judgment, Natasha trusts him with her life.

But with this?

Her terror over being killed outweighs her trust in Clint. She knows that civilians have been disowned and killed for the same secret. Why would she be any different? SHIELD could kill her and have her replaced in days.

Just like the Red Room.

Being unmade and then being forced to discover herself has been hard, but through it all this one thing has remained. This shameful, dirty, secret that she so desperately refuses to get rid of but she can’t. It’s a part of her. No matter how many times she’s been remade, this one thing has stayed true. 

She hates herself. 

In the mess that has been the rest of her life, this is nothing. In fact, this might be the least most disgusting aspect of her entire self. Being gay compared to being a ruthless, manipulative killer is nothing. Her hands will never be clean of the blood soaking them, but here she is, at her unconscious (dare she say it) best friend’s bedside after a mission gone wrong, agonizing over being gay. 

(She refuses to call herself a lesbian. It’s a disgusting, dirty word, and she’s dirty enough). 

Natasha shakes her head and sighs. She’s trying so hard to be good, to atone for her past, but she doesn’t see how that’s possible.

How can she do any of that if she’ll never be clean?


End file.
